Why So Serious?

So, it's been a month since I've blogged?
Yes. 
And everything is amazing and wonderful and only getting better?
Yes, yes and yes. 

So... let's get serious. 

I was driven to write today, not because I want to gloat about the many exciting things in my life right now. Not for the man I love who loves me back. Not for the adventures I have and will continue to embark on. 

No, I was driven to write today for a very serious reason. 

Sexual assault. 

For those of you who follow Upworthy (and if you don't, DO!), you may have noticed a collection of videos being posted for a special series on the misconceptions surrounding sexual violence. I watch these videos to understand and feel for these women. These poor women, subjected to horrors I cannot imagine, trapped by their own fear and shame, afraid to talk to someone, afraid... 
to remember... 

And then it hits me. 
Like a ton of bricks. 
A memory creeps into my head and suddenly I can never forget. 

For I am one of these women. 

I suppose you cannot call what I went through "rape", however the shattering feelings of being taken advantage of and no one knowing are all too clear to me. How I blocked out this memory and never acknowledged the affect it has had on me is, well... sadly, probably normal. We keep our mouths shut. We hide in disgust and embarrassment. We do not tell anyone, we sit in silence, and we bury it... deep down in our soul. 

Now that the experience has washed over me, I feel ready to face what I had forgotten, and dry my eyes and strengthen my heart because I! I am the victim! And he...

It's all so clear. It was high school. I was maybe a junior. He was popular. I was not. Most people on my Facebook page would know his name. No, I will not say it. Why he chose me, I don't know. Maybe I was one of many. Maybe I seemed "easy" or "vulnerable" or like "I wanted it". In any case, I was in the activities office, just he and I. The initial details are fuzzy, but soon he was forcing his fingers into my mouth. Soon he was rubbing my back, my thighs... Soon he was coaxing me towards the snack room in the back, a small, dimly lit closet where no one could see us. I was hesitant; I didn't want to go in there. I knew what he wanted. I knew I would be powerless in this dark prison of shame, should he lead me in... suddenly, someone comes in the front door. We act like nothing happened. I immediately leave, and I never think about it again. What would have happened if I had gone in there? If we hadn't been interrupted? I was so young, so naive, so afraid to be disliked... and the thought of the unknown sends shivers down my spine. 

I was "lucky", I guess. But I was victimized. With this memory so clear in my head now, I can only imagine the turmoil caused by any more than I experienced. And what's worse? I suddenly remember sharing this experience with my best friend, as if I willingly participated!!! I was so confused and disoriented, I couldn't even admit to her that it was not by choice, and I was not okay with it! And to this day, that notion has never been acknowledged by even myself. Today, I recognize what I went through and I realize the damage it has caused. So many sexual issues I have had throughout the years can be traced back to that one incident. And I am very much not alone. Men and women go through this every day, every minute, every second, everywhere.

I'm not writing this to receive sympathy or anything of the sort. Quite the contrary, I feel blessed that our little "rendezvous" was quickly and abruptly shut down. No, I write this today because I suddenly realized how rampant sexual abuse really is. We all know it, but we choose to ignore just how bad it has gotten. So, I ask of you, to open your eyes and hearts and minds to a very dangerous trend that is only getting worse. I am no expert on the matter, but there are people and organizations out there that are ready and willing to listen, understand, take action, and support you. If you are a victim of any kind of abuse, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Tell someone, speak up, and fight for your rights as a human being. We all deserve a fair chance at life, with love and peace in our hearts. 

Today, I feel even stronger for having recognized an experience that aimed to tear me down. I stand tall. I stand proud. And I stand brave. I stand for you. I stand for me. I stand for us. 

"Together, we stand. Divided, we fall."