Why So Serious?

So, it's been a month since I've blogged?
Yes. 
And everything is amazing and wonderful and only getting better?
Yes, yes and yes. 

So... let's get serious. 

I was driven to write today, not because I want to gloat about the many exciting things in my life right now. Not for the man I love who loves me back. Not for the adventures I have and will continue to embark on. 

No, I was driven to write today for a very serious reason. 

Sexual assault. 

For those of you who follow Upworthy (and if you don't, DO!), you may have noticed a collection of videos being posted for a special series on the misconceptions surrounding sexual violence. I watch these videos to understand and feel for these women. These poor women, subjected to horrors I cannot imagine, trapped by their own fear and shame, afraid to talk to someone, afraid... 
to remember... 

And then it hits me. 
Like a ton of bricks. 
A memory creeps into my head and suddenly I can never forget. 

For I am one of these women. 

I suppose you cannot call what I went through "rape", however the shattering feelings of being taken advantage of and no one knowing are all too clear to me. How I blocked out this memory and never acknowledged the affect it has had on me is, well... sadly, probably normal. We keep our mouths shut. We hide in disgust and embarrassment. We do not tell anyone, we sit in silence, and we bury it... deep down in our soul. 

Now that the experience has washed over me, I feel ready to face what I had forgotten, and dry my eyes and strengthen my heart because I! I am the victim! And he...

It's all so clear. It was high school. I was maybe a junior. He was popular. I was not. Most people on my Facebook page would know his name. No, I will not say it. Why he chose me, I don't know. Maybe I was one of many. Maybe I seemed "easy" or "vulnerable" or like "I wanted it". In any case, I was in the activities office, just he and I. The initial details are fuzzy, but soon he was forcing his fingers into my mouth. Soon he was rubbing my back, my thighs... Soon he was coaxing me towards the snack room in the back, a small, dimly lit closet where no one could see us. I was hesitant; I didn't want to go in there. I knew what he wanted. I knew I would be powerless in this dark prison of shame, should he lead me in... suddenly, someone comes in the front door. We act like nothing happened. I immediately leave, and I never think about it again. What would have happened if I had gone in there? If we hadn't been interrupted? I was so young, so naive, so afraid to be disliked... and the thought of the unknown sends shivers down my spine. 

I was "lucky", I guess. But I was victimized. With this memory so clear in my head now, I can only imagine the turmoil caused by any more than I experienced. And what's worse? I suddenly remember sharing this experience with my best friend, as if I willingly participated!!! I was so confused and disoriented, I couldn't even admit to her that it was not by choice, and I was not okay with it! And to this day, that notion has never been acknowledged by even myself. Today, I recognize what I went through and I realize the damage it has caused. So many sexual issues I have had throughout the years can be traced back to that one incident. And I am very much not alone. Men and women go through this every day, every minute, every second, everywhere.

I'm not writing this to receive sympathy or anything of the sort. Quite the contrary, I feel blessed that our little "rendezvous" was quickly and abruptly shut down. No, I write this today because I suddenly realized how rampant sexual abuse really is. We all know it, but we choose to ignore just how bad it has gotten. So, I ask of you, to open your eyes and hearts and minds to a very dangerous trend that is only getting worse. I am no expert on the matter, but there are people and organizations out there that are ready and willing to listen, understand, take action, and support you. If you are a victim of any kind of abuse, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Tell someone, speak up, and fight for your rights as a human being. We all deserve a fair chance at life, with love and peace in our hearts. 

Today, I feel even stronger for having recognized an experience that aimed to tear me down. I stand tall. I stand proud. And I stand brave. I stand for you. I stand for me. I stand for us. 

"Together, we stand. Divided, we fall."

In Dreams

After a lot of hard work, I have embarked on a new adventure in a new city. 

San Francisco, I am here. 

It feels like a dream... like I'm still figuring things out.  How things work.
I'm feeling my way through a world of new experiences and possibility. 
I'm stretching my arms through new air. 
I'm throwing my gaze towards new skies. 
I'm breathing in hope and desire... 
while exhaling the worries and cares from days past. 

It's been a tough road. Living in San Diego was such a learning experience for me. If you're curious as to how it went, check out my last blog, www.shaneilloveslife.com... but don't get too excited. I only posted 7 times. 

SEVEN TIMES?!! It makes me so sad to see my passion suffering through my own personal struggles, emotionally and such. So, really, you have NO IDEA what I've been going through! So let's catch you up. 

Lived in: San Diego. 
Roommates: Sandi King, Sam Bybee, Susan King, Ford E Pants (cat) and Buster (dog). 
Worked at: Brick N Bell Cafe. 
Did: Nothing. 

No, really, nothing. It was a great time, and I have some wonderful memories to look back on, but I really didn't do much but work and save money. Everything I had planned, all that I had built up in my head, came to nothing. I just did the same ol' thing. Every day. Over and over again. 

And you know what? .... I'm over it!

Life can be whatever you want it to be. And I want more. It may not be national news, nor local for that matter, but I want to accomplish more than just the norm. I want to breathe life into my passion and share it with others. I want to overcome my fears of sharing said passion. I want to feel whole, like I'm taking care of myself, and those around me. And it's about time I stopped writing about it, and just fucking did it. 

Yeah, I said it. 

I'm angry. And it's all because of my own laziness and fear. Two words I plan to kick out of my life! I'm finally in a city I truly love, with a man I love even more, and my little boy by my side. [Buster, of course; not that much has changed!] It's time I put my money where my mouth is... I know the job, and I'm ready for work. So let's WORK!